10 Years ago I married Billy. It was the best day of my life. I was young and people said it wouldn't last but it did and it has. No matter how I'm feeling, he's always there. I love him with everything I am. Without him I'm not sure where I would be. I wouldn't have these beautiful boys. They drive me crazy sometimes but they are mine. Billy and I and the love we have for each other made these boys. It will be our love for each other that helps shape them into adults. I love him more and more everyday even the days I think I can do it on my own. I would be on my own because yeah I see other good looking guys but no matter what no one has my soul and that's what he is. He's my soul.
This is the email he sent to me today...
10 years ago today
On paper I gave my heart away
To a woman I love so dear
Our life filled with love not fear
As the years they pass by
I still see that love in your eye
As our little family grows
More love I have for you than can show
So hear to the 10 years of my life
With you my perfect wife
And to 100 more with you
My life, my wife, my one love true
Billy
Crying, I'm crying he writes funny cute little poems and I love everyone of them but this one is the best so far. We don't have a lot of money right now so we aren't exchanging presents but nothing can compare to that. He doesnt express how he feels often but when he does it means that much more. We tell each other we love each other all the time but when he gives me things like this I know he still loves me. Somedays are hard and he would never tell me but I am sure he's thought the samethings I have but in the end we're together. Always
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
Love and Friendship
I don't have a perfect life. I know this, I don't claim to have one either. I'm not one of these people that pretend everything is perfect and great when it's not. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. I have posted a few blogs about how irritated I am and stressed and wish I could get more help with everything. Daycare is hard....blah, blah, blah. Yeah I feel those things. I'm human and I stress a lot, that's just how I am.
I recently turned 30 and I thought to myself. I need to change me. I need a better outlook, calm down and think things through. I love my husband, I don't always like him but that's life. My kids are at hard ages together. Separately they're great but together you would think I'm breeding UFC fighters. I love my boy and would not change them for anything. Would I like my life to be a little easier...hell yeah I would but that's not how it works. Life, friendship, Marriage anything is hard, if it's worth it.
I recently had a doctor's appointment. I have a lump in my left breast. I had a ultra sound on it several months ago. That was scary. My doctor thought it was an abscess that would not go away, so with a high dose antibiotic, we thought we would at least shrink this down so he could drain it. Well the ultra sound showed this was not an abscess or infection, they weren't sure what it was and the radiologist said she was calling my doctor today to give him the results. Well that day I left the hospital and had a panic attack. Thank God my good friend Nicole was there on the other end of the phone to talk me through it. I saw my mother-in-law battle breast cancer, it was painful and horrible. All I could think of was my boys, what if this was incurable, what would Billy do. He was going to freak out, he was there with his mom and helped to take care of her. Angel his sister took care of her most of the time but Billy and his brother Randy stepped in when she needed it.
Nicole reassured me it was nothing and to wait to hear from Dr. Benoit. I went to see Dr. Benoit and he assured me that it was not cancer but what they thought was maybe a bacteria that would not go away. He thought it might have been from my nipple rings that I had the year before, which I don;t have now. They gave me nothing but problems. They looked great but it wasn't for me.
Dr. Benoit gave me another antibiotic and send me to see Dr. Clark, he's a breast surgeon. I went to see him and he gave me another antibiotic and to go back and see him. Still nothing it was still there but now I felt another one in my other breast. Almost in the same spot just the other boob. So he gave me my 4th dose of high antibiotics and scheduled me to have another ultra sound and mammogram.
I just had both of those on Tuesday. Now the new lump does not feel like the one in my left breast. This one is harder and more round, where the left one is hard, long like my pinkie finger. So these tests were done and you get your results the same day. Well if you need more done or if it's nothing. Well the left lump is still there and has not reacted to any of the medication, the left one is suspicious. Suspicious of what, Cancer? We'll we're not sure but you need to call your doctor and schedule an appointment. I already have one for this coming Tuesday. These need to be removed and biopsy done to determine what it is. It could be anything.
Again Cancer is what comes to mind. I am upset but only cry when I talk about it. I was good until I had to tell Billy. Who was at home watching 5 kids, he's a pro. He said not to worry about it until they say Yes it is or No it isn't. Easier said then done. A little while later he comes over to me and give me a hug. This is where I loose it. This is scary, thinking of everything that could happen things I don;t want to happen. I'm young, I'm healthy over weight but I don;t have high blood pressure or bad cholesterol. I have two young children that need their mother. But I guess when someone dies it's not because no one needs them anymore. Someone always needs you.
I'm trying not to think of this, I am trying to be positive but it's hard. I told Nicole and she has been very supportive and so was my friend Angie (who by the way just got engaged!), my friend Stacy whom I think of as my very best friend, didn't say anything. She asked how the appointment went in a text which is fine. We're both in daycare and we don't have a lot of time to talk on the phone...uninterrupted. I texts back that the left one was the same and not responding to med and the right one is suspicious. I got nothing back. No it's going to be OK, are you OK...NOTHING. I was hurt because I think she doesn't really care or maybe she meant to say something back but got busy. I don;t know and I didn't ask. I told my mom and she said "Oh great" and then changed the subject to herself. Figures my family is very selfish. So I decided I need to focus on things that matter like my family. Billy and the boys.
I need to change things in me. I need to have a better attitude from the time I wake up until I go to bed. I need to get healthy. We don't eat a lot of junk but I need to get healthier, for me and my boys.
I wrote Billy an email telling him I loved him and thank you for being strong because I couldn't go through this without him. He told me that he loves me and he'll always be here for me and that I'm not going anywhere because he can't do this alone.
We've had our ups and downs but he's always there. ALWAYS, I love him more and more everyday. He drives me insane but I;m not a saint or that easy to live with. I know this, we both put up a lot from each other but no matter what we're together. I love to have friends around me but really it's Billy and the boys that I NEED around me. I'm trying not to let this linger between Stacy and I. I love her and who knows why she didn't say anything to reassure me. It's not all about me.
I'm just at a place where I need to re-evaluate my life and the relationships in it. There are some that are more work then I think are worth it. It's hard to let someone go, I mean isn't friendship supposed to be through good time and bad, when we're up and down. I think I'm a good friend but I also need a good friend. Someone to lean on and I don;t have one friend that I am comfortable with to tell everything to.
Sunday Billy and I are going through the house and getting rid of all the junk food. We both need to start eating healthier because if 'heaven forbid' something is wrong and I do have cancer, I want to be healthy going into this. I need to he healthy anyway just so I have a long life that's not miserable.
I am thinking positively everything will be OK. One thing we know for sure is that the lumps need to be removed and a biopsy done. Once that's done I'll know what they are.
Time will tell :)
Amber
Amber
I recently turned 30 and I thought to myself. I need to change me. I need a better outlook, calm down and think things through. I love my husband, I don't always like him but that's life. My kids are at hard ages together. Separately they're great but together you would think I'm breeding UFC fighters. I love my boy and would not change them for anything. Would I like my life to be a little easier...hell yeah I would but that's not how it works. Life, friendship, Marriage anything is hard, if it's worth it.
I recently had a doctor's appointment. I have a lump in my left breast. I had a ultra sound on it several months ago. That was scary. My doctor thought it was an abscess that would not go away, so with a high dose antibiotic, we thought we would at least shrink this down so he could drain it. Well the ultra sound showed this was not an abscess or infection, they weren't sure what it was and the radiologist said she was calling my doctor today to give him the results. Well that day I left the hospital and had a panic attack. Thank God my good friend Nicole was there on the other end of the phone to talk me through it. I saw my mother-in-law battle breast cancer, it was painful and horrible. All I could think of was my boys, what if this was incurable, what would Billy do. He was going to freak out, he was there with his mom and helped to take care of her. Angel his sister took care of her most of the time but Billy and his brother Randy stepped in when she needed it.
Nicole reassured me it was nothing and to wait to hear from Dr. Benoit. I went to see Dr. Benoit and he assured me that it was not cancer but what they thought was maybe a bacteria that would not go away. He thought it might have been from my nipple rings that I had the year before, which I don;t have now. They gave me nothing but problems. They looked great but it wasn't for me.
Dr. Benoit gave me another antibiotic and send me to see Dr. Clark, he's a breast surgeon. I went to see him and he gave me another antibiotic and to go back and see him. Still nothing it was still there but now I felt another one in my other breast. Almost in the same spot just the other boob. So he gave me my 4th dose of high antibiotics and scheduled me to have another ultra sound and mammogram.
I just had both of those on Tuesday. Now the new lump does not feel like the one in my left breast. This one is harder and more round, where the left one is hard, long like my pinkie finger. So these tests were done and you get your results the same day. Well if you need more done or if it's nothing. Well the left lump is still there and has not reacted to any of the medication, the left one is suspicious. Suspicious of what, Cancer? We'll we're not sure but you need to call your doctor and schedule an appointment. I already have one for this coming Tuesday. These need to be removed and biopsy done to determine what it is. It could be anything.
Again Cancer is what comes to mind. I am upset but only cry when I talk about it. I was good until I had to tell Billy. Who was at home watching 5 kids, he's a pro. He said not to worry about it until they say Yes it is or No it isn't. Easier said then done. A little while later he comes over to me and give me a hug. This is where I loose it. This is scary, thinking of everything that could happen things I don;t want to happen. I'm young, I'm healthy over weight but I don;t have high blood pressure or bad cholesterol. I have two young children that need their mother. But I guess when someone dies it's not because no one needs them anymore. Someone always needs you.
I'm trying not to think of this, I am trying to be positive but it's hard. I told Nicole and she has been very supportive and so was my friend Angie (who by the way just got engaged!), my friend Stacy whom I think of as my very best friend, didn't say anything. She asked how the appointment went in a text which is fine. We're both in daycare and we don't have a lot of time to talk on the phone...uninterrupted. I texts back that the left one was the same and not responding to med and the right one is suspicious. I got nothing back. No it's going to be OK, are you OK...NOTHING. I was hurt because I think she doesn't really care or maybe she meant to say something back but got busy. I don;t know and I didn't ask. I told my mom and she said "Oh great" and then changed the subject to herself. Figures my family is very selfish. So I decided I need to focus on things that matter like my family. Billy and the boys.
I need to change things in me. I need to have a better attitude from the time I wake up until I go to bed. I need to get healthy. We don't eat a lot of junk but I need to get healthier, for me and my boys.
I wrote Billy an email telling him I loved him and thank you for being strong because I couldn't go through this without him. He told me that he loves me and he'll always be here for me and that I'm not going anywhere because he can't do this alone.
We've had our ups and downs but he's always there. ALWAYS, I love him more and more everyday. He drives me insane but I;m not a saint or that easy to live with. I know this, we both put up a lot from each other but no matter what we're together. I love to have friends around me but really it's Billy and the boys that I NEED around me. I'm trying not to let this linger between Stacy and I. I love her and who knows why she didn't say anything to reassure me. It's not all about me.
I'm just at a place where I need to re-evaluate my life and the relationships in it. There are some that are more work then I think are worth it. It's hard to let someone go, I mean isn't friendship supposed to be through good time and bad, when we're up and down. I think I'm a good friend but I also need a good friend. Someone to lean on and I don;t have one friend that I am comfortable with to tell everything to.
Sunday Billy and I are going through the house and getting rid of all the junk food. We both need to start eating healthier because if 'heaven forbid' something is wrong and I do have cancer, I want to be healthy going into this. I need to he healthy anyway just so I have a long life that's not miserable.
I am thinking positively everything will be OK. One thing we know for sure is that the lumps need to be removed and a biopsy done. Once that's done I'll know what they are.
Time will tell :)
Amber
Amber
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