I feel like I need 3 of me. I am always on the go with the daycare and then the boys. I don't get a lot of time to myself. If I do go out or anything I make sure the boys are taken care of, dinner or bath and PJ's on. So that Billy doesn't have to do it all himself. Maybe I should just do it so he knows what's it's like to work all day, make dinner and get the boys bathed and to bed by himself. Billy helps a little but I just feel like I'm doing this all by myself. He get to go to work alone, lunch break and drive home. He gets his time to unwind or just breath. I don't get that. He'll ask me how my day was and I tell him and he's like I bet your stressed...Ok so maybe you could put the boys to bed but that doesn't happen if he's not in the garage then he's sleeping on the couch. He does help but I feel like he could help more and I feel like he doesn't appreciate anything I do or see how hard I work. I'm stressed and feel gross. I have to ask for complements and if we have sex it's from behind now. Not really sure what that's about and we're not having sex as much as we used to. He's tired because he goes to the gym every morning at 4 and then works and comes home. I know he's tired and he does work hard but he's not the only one who works hard and what do I get? I get to go to the grocery store for a few hours.
I'll talk to him about it and he gets pissed off or it will get better for a while and then back to the same ol' same ol'. Like tonight he came home and I've had a horrible headache all day that I can't get rid of and what does he tell me. Ben's coming over to work on his bike but I told him I need to put the boys to bed so he'll be over around 7:30. OK. Nathan fell asleep at 6:30 and he picked him up and put him in bed and Ethan fell asleep at 9:20 and I had to fight with him to get him to sleep and where was Billy...not helping me put Ethan to bed! He was in the garage hanging out working on my truck but he didn't have any kids hanging off him. Sunday I had to clean the house with the boys and he was in the garage cleaning it. Ethan did go out there for a little bit but mainly he was in the house making a mess while I was trying to stay a step ahead of him. I love my kids I do but I need a break and I'm not saying I want him to do it all I just want him to appreciate what I do.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
I just need a minute...
I have a daycare and it's now summer vacation so that means that I have a house full of kids from 7am to 5:45pm Monday thru Friday. Plus my two boys who are at ages where they constantly fight. Ethan is 2 and is very headstrong. That's a great quality but not at 2 years old when I can't really understand what he says. Nathan is 6 and whines all the time. I don't think he can talk without whining. So once they go to bed it's like 7:30 for Nathan and Ethan is supposed to be in bed but doesn't actually fall asleep until 8:30-9 depending on if he had a nap, which sometimes is essential to my mental health. So then I get to relax which my husband is already sleeping on the couch because he is tired. He works outside the home so he gets a nice QUIET drive to and from work. He's not with the kids 24/7, I am. When my job is done for the day I still have my 2 kids to take care of and housework from having a house full of kids.
Some days it seems like I am going to go insane because I am stuck in this house with all these kids and I don't get a lot of help. Billy helps but I still feel like I am doing 85% of the work.
Fathers Day, is his day he can do anything he wants well he decided to go hiking by himself, I asked if he wanted all of us to go but he said no he wanted to do it by himself. Fine. He left the house at 3:30 AM and didn't get back to the house until 3:30PM. He then took a shower, talked with the neighbors, I went and got dinner and then we all went to get ice cream. Then he fell asleep on the couch at 7PM. I got the boys ready for bed and fought with Ethan until 9PM, which I then was able to go to bed. The boys and I visited my dad and step dad and the day before we went shopping while Billy was at work and lunch with my brother and his son. It was a long weekend and I didn't get a break at all.
I'm sorry you hear of these women who love to spend every minute of their day with their children and life is happy and everything is prefect and puppy dog tails. BULLSHIT. I call it, everyone needs a break once in a while and no one's life is perfect. I don;t care what life you have or how much money you have or don't have. There are things in our life that we might want to tweak, a morning that's awful, attitudes. I love my children unconditionally. They are my world and I would do anything for them but I need time for me. Time that when I leave and there's dishes in the sink or toys everywhere, they'll be picked up. Not more of a mess for me to clean up. People say just leave. Well if I do then nothing will get done. Dinner dishes still on the table the house even more of a mess. I;m not a housekeeper, never was. I am unorganized and cluttered but my house is not dirty or filthy. I have a lot of stuff. I know you've worked all day and would like to relax but when do I get to do that. I'll get "honey sit down I'll do it"...OK so I sit down and relax a little and he falls asleep and I end up doing it the next day. He does do the dishes the next day but only sometimes. Then he'll apologize. I mean I can do this alone and it would be easier. Because I wouldn't be expecting anyone to help me and I would only have myself to blame or be pissy at if it's not done. Plus it would be one less person to clean up after.
Tonight, he came home and it was a crazy day but he informed me that Ben was coming over. So I said I guess I'm putting the boys to bed...AGAIN. He said I can stay in here until they fall asleep. I said No don't worry about it and he said he would because Ben can work on it by himself. Where the hell his he in the garage with Ben and guess what the boys are still awake. There watching a movie getting ready for bed so I am hoping they'll be sleepy enough that there won't be any fighting. I just wish that he would see how hard I work and recognize it. I'm not saying I want him to keep the house spotless and take care of the boys as soon as he gets home but I would like him to help more. I've told him this over and over and at what point do you say 'whatever, it's easier to do it myself then fight about needing help.
If we were separated it would be hard especially the money because I can't live here without his income and the boys love their dad. He is a great dad but not the best husband. I gave him a letter in November with everything that I am writing now. He wrote back to me everything that I wanted to hear and here we are back to square one.
There's a song that I love by Halestorm, Better sorry than safe:
I can't think of one good reason
Why I'm always thinking about leavin
It's not like every things so horrible
Been together for a few years now
You know all my ins and outs
But every things way too comfortable
From the moment I wake I plan my escape
I'm not scared
Cause I know something out there's waiting for me
And I swear that I'll find it, just wait and see
I don't care that you call me crazy
I can't stay cause I need room to breath
There's nothing left to say, better sorry than safe
Sometimes I wish you cheated on me
cause leaving here would be so easy
It's time to take a chance and give you up
In the morning I'll wake and make my escape
Songs like this hit home. I love this song and it's perfect. I love Billy we have been together for 15 years and in that time we have been through A LOT!! He has been my rock every time and he still will be but the everyday shit, I feel like I'm doing myself. I make all the decisions, I just want someone else to take over. I pay the bills, decide what to make for dinner, where we're going to eat or what we're going to do. I swear he doesn't have a brain. He hates what I make for dinner or what I take out. Like tonight I wanted chicken on the grill, he made a face so I ended up having left over salad and a frozen potato thing. YUMMO...not!
I always add too much seasoning or something, so now i hate cooking. He tells everyone I can bake but not cook. I stopped asking him how dinner was because he'll say surprisingly good...THANKS ASS! I work ALL DAY and cook dinner for us, so eat the shit I give you or eat somewhere else!
He's been pissy for the past few days so that makes me pissy and I hate to see him sleep on the couch which pisses me off more. He said it's his house he'll sleep on the couch if he wants so guess what I don;t wake him up anymore. He can stay there.
I know we'll get through this but there will be a time when we don't. It's the same thing over and over, year after year. Some are good but the past few have been tough.
I love him and thinking about him with someone else makes me sick. I want him in my life but Jesus I'm a broken record. I want someone to put me first once in a while. I want him to say Honey you've worked hard all week why don't we get a babysitter and do something just the two of us. I put everyone else first all the time, I am going to burn out and I'm not sure I'll come back from it.
Some days it seems like I am going to go insane because I am stuck in this house with all these kids and I don't get a lot of help. Billy helps but I still feel like I am doing 85% of the work.
Fathers Day, is his day he can do anything he wants well he decided to go hiking by himself, I asked if he wanted all of us to go but he said no he wanted to do it by himself. Fine. He left the house at 3:30 AM and didn't get back to the house until 3:30PM. He then took a shower, talked with the neighbors, I went and got dinner and then we all went to get ice cream. Then he fell asleep on the couch at 7PM. I got the boys ready for bed and fought with Ethan until 9PM, which I then was able to go to bed. The boys and I visited my dad and step dad and the day before we went shopping while Billy was at work and lunch with my brother and his son. It was a long weekend and I didn't get a break at all.
I'm sorry you hear of these women who love to spend every minute of their day with their children and life is happy and everything is prefect and puppy dog tails. BULLSHIT. I call it, everyone needs a break once in a while and no one's life is perfect. I don;t care what life you have or how much money you have or don't have. There are things in our life that we might want to tweak, a morning that's awful, attitudes. I love my children unconditionally. They are my world and I would do anything for them but I need time for me. Time that when I leave and there's dishes in the sink or toys everywhere, they'll be picked up. Not more of a mess for me to clean up. People say just leave. Well if I do then nothing will get done. Dinner dishes still on the table the house even more of a mess. I;m not a housekeeper, never was. I am unorganized and cluttered but my house is not dirty or filthy. I have a lot of stuff. I know you've worked all day and would like to relax but when do I get to do that. I'll get "honey sit down I'll do it"...OK so I sit down and relax a little and he falls asleep and I end up doing it the next day. He does do the dishes the next day but only sometimes. Then he'll apologize. I mean I can do this alone and it would be easier. Because I wouldn't be expecting anyone to help me and I would only have myself to blame or be pissy at if it's not done. Plus it would be one less person to clean up after.
Tonight, he came home and it was a crazy day but he informed me that Ben was coming over. So I said I guess I'm putting the boys to bed...AGAIN. He said I can stay in here until they fall asleep. I said No don't worry about it and he said he would because Ben can work on it by himself. Where the hell his he in the garage with Ben and guess what the boys are still awake. There watching a movie getting ready for bed so I am hoping they'll be sleepy enough that there won't be any fighting. I just wish that he would see how hard I work and recognize it. I'm not saying I want him to keep the house spotless and take care of the boys as soon as he gets home but I would like him to help more. I've told him this over and over and at what point do you say 'whatever, it's easier to do it myself then fight about needing help.
If we were separated it would be hard especially the money because I can't live here without his income and the boys love their dad. He is a great dad but not the best husband. I gave him a letter in November with everything that I am writing now. He wrote back to me everything that I wanted to hear and here we are back to square one.
There's a song that I love by Halestorm, Better sorry than safe:
I can't think of one good reason
Why I'm always thinking about leavin
It's not like every things so horrible
Been together for a few years now
You know all my ins and outs
But every things way too comfortable
From the moment I wake I plan my escape
I'm not scared
Cause I know something out there's waiting for me
And I swear that I'll find it, just wait and see
I don't care that you call me crazy
I can't stay cause I need room to breath
There's nothing left to say, better sorry than safe
Sometimes I wish you cheated on me
cause leaving here would be so easy
It's time to take a chance and give you up
In the morning I'll wake and make my escape
Songs like this hit home. I love this song and it's perfect. I love Billy we have been together for 15 years and in that time we have been through A LOT!! He has been my rock every time and he still will be but the everyday shit, I feel like I'm doing myself. I make all the decisions, I just want someone else to take over. I pay the bills, decide what to make for dinner, where we're going to eat or what we're going to do. I swear he doesn't have a brain. He hates what I make for dinner or what I take out. Like tonight I wanted chicken on the grill, he made a face so I ended up having left over salad and a frozen potato thing. YUMMO...not!
I always add too much seasoning or something, so now i hate cooking. He tells everyone I can bake but not cook. I stopped asking him how dinner was because he'll say surprisingly good...THANKS ASS! I work ALL DAY and cook dinner for us, so eat the shit I give you or eat somewhere else!
He's been pissy for the past few days so that makes me pissy and I hate to see him sleep on the couch which pisses me off more. He said it's his house he'll sleep on the couch if he wants so guess what I don;t wake him up anymore. He can stay there.
I know we'll get through this but there will be a time when we don't. It's the same thing over and over, year after year. Some are good but the past few have been tough.
I love him and thinking about him with someone else makes me sick. I want him in my life but Jesus I'm a broken record. I want someone to put me first once in a while. I want him to say Honey you've worked hard all week why don't we get a babysitter and do something just the two of us. I put everyone else first all the time, I am going to burn out and I'm not sure I'll come back from it.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Parenting
I am a mother. I dreamed as a little girl that I was going to marry my prince charming, have a beautiful house and have 2.5 kids. I pretty much hit it on the mark. I married my best friend and high school sweetheart, we have a beautiful home and 2 kids and a dog. How we got here was nothing short of a miracle.
I met Billy at Duncan Donuts in downtown Bangor, from the first moment he met me he said he loved me and he was going to marry me. I was 14 and thought he was a freak, so naturally we became friends. Everyone wanted us to be together "you guys are so cute, give him a chance". Well anyone who knows me I don't like to be told what to do. So I refused because even my mom wanted us together. But when Billy started flirting with my friend it made me so jealous. I mean he was always coming over to see me, he would ride his bike from Glenburn to Orono everyday, rain or shine. He was a nice guy so finally I agreed to go out with him. He was my rock. One thing in my life, there was never stability. My mom was a single parent with 3 kids. At 10 I was babysitting to pay for my school clothes, 15 I was working to support my mom and 3 brothers, we were evicted from our home and was living in emergency housing in Orono. The ice storm hit and the trailer we were finally renting the roof caved in and again we were homeless. Mom and my youngest brother were staying with friends, my middle brother was staying with my uncle and I was on my own. I stayed with my Gram for the summer and then she went to Florida and I couldn't stay there so I moved in with Billy's sister, then Mom got emergency housing in Bangor, where we were always getting eviction notices. I was working to put food on the table, Billy was working and paying rent and Mom was waitressing. She sent my brothers to live with my dad and basically did whatever she wanted and saw my brothers very little. I was there for them when they needed someone. At 17, I was on my own with Billy and my middle brother had run away from home because my dad was abusive. So again Billy and I were supporting someone other than ourselves. All through this Billy was there right beside me. It was hard, but my brothers meant everything to me. My family was falling apart and my mom's family could have cared less. They didn't help. Billy's family did. I would babysit for his brother, which meant I had a place to stay during the week except for Wednesdays, they didn't need me those nights and we would find another place to stay. They never knew I didn't have a place to stay until a few years ago.
We had a hard go of it in our early years but here we are fifteen years later, married for almost 10 and we are still in love. There have been times where giving up seemed the best option at least for myself. But no matter if it's Billy or some other man, it would be the same hardships, money, chores etc... just a different person. We have been through so much together why would I want to give all that up...I wouldn't. I love him more today then I ever did. He is a great father, provider and a best friend. We fight, I don't like him sometimes but he is mine. He has my heart and soul.
So this brings us to our little family...
Nathan, he is now 6. Just finishing up kindergarten. We didn't think we could have kids. We tried for 4 years before we had Nathan. I went through IUD (intrauterine insemination) 3 times, fertility medication, 2 doctors. We saw Dr. Benoit and I had a series of test, I had surgery to determine that when my appendix had ruptured it caused a lot of scare tissue which made it impossible for me to conceive. He cleaned all that up and within 6 months and fertility medication, I was preggers. It was the easiest pregnancy ever. labor was hard and very quick, 7 am Dr. Benoit induced labor and 8:46 am (the same morning) Nathan Frederick Ryan was born. I can't describe the feeling. It was amazing, I had so much love for this little baby before he was born and now I was holding him. I didn't think I could love anyone anymore. He was perfect.
One month shy of 4 years later...Ethan was born. Again it was not easy to get pregnant with him. I had 1 confirmed miscarriage and 1 possible miscarriage (test was positive and I was spotting so I went for test and my levels were slightly elevated but not where they should have been, very low which indicated I could have been pregnant) FINALLY, a confirmed pregnancy test but Ethan's pregnancy was scary, I was always spotting or bleeding and scared to death that something was wrong or was going to happen to my baby. He is a strong little bugger. I had a C-section with him it was the best thing ever. I recovered from the c-section faster than I did with my natural birth with Nathan.
I would never trade my children for anything. Both my boys were snugglers until about nine months, that is when they started walking and then it was on. They were into everything and so cute. Ethan is more of a handful and Nathan is more reserved and likes his space. Ethan loves to be in the thick of things. He is a people person like I am. Nathan is happy to be at home doing his own thing like dad. It's funny I can see each of us in each of our children. Some good and some bad.
Ethan is now 2 and a half and Nathan is 6 and a half. They used to play so well together but now all they do is fight, it's like UFC at home. Ethan wants to do everything that Pakey does (Ethan calls Nathan Pakey, and we're not sure why but it stuck). Ethan wants to play in Nathan's room or sleep in his bed. He loves his brother but Nathan doesn't always want him around. I thought I had a couple years before that happened but it's happening now. Ethan is very stubborn and relentless. He will NOT back down when he wants something, Billy is the same way. I think it's a great quality but sometimes it's very hard to deal with. Ethan and I but heads a lot right now.
Now the question, am I doing this right and I screwing up my kids. You see it all the time, people who don't have control over their kids and their running everywhere not listening. The parents either look mortified or like "oh, there just kids". Something like that happens when a full on tantrum starts we leave. I don't care if we have a cart full of food or half way through our dinner. No one wants to listen to my kids crying or screaming, hell I don't want to listen to them. It's embarrassing and every one's been there. Still when it happens it's mortifying. It's been a while since that's happened. Especially Ethan he wants to wander, I know now why people put leashes on their kids. I used to look at the parent disgusted and now I look at them with sympathy because I know what they go through. It's like a secret club we walk by and there's this look, a knowing look and a little nod.
Parenting is hard and you will never be ready until you have your own. People can tell you and you can see other people and they way the parent and say "My kids never going to do that or I'll never do that" HAHAHA, your a sucker! Because it will happen and you will do it. You will bride your kids with candy or a toy, extra TV time anything to get them to behave in front of that in-law or your boss for 20 minutes. You will want to put your child on a leash at some point and you will beg for a break because you can;t take the fighting anymore or the mouthiness. It happens but no matter what at the end of the day they are YOUR KIDS and you love them unconditionally. I love to tuck them into bed and read them books or sing them to sleep. Then when they're sleeping I go check on them and they are angels and so cute all snuggled in bed. It's the best thing I have EVER done in my life. I love being a mother.
I met Billy at Duncan Donuts in downtown Bangor, from the first moment he met me he said he loved me and he was going to marry me. I was 14 and thought he was a freak, so naturally we became friends. Everyone wanted us to be together "you guys are so cute, give him a chance". Well anyone who knows me I don't like to be told what to do. So I refused because even my mom wanted us together. But when Billy started flirting with my friend it made me so jealous. I mean he was always coming over to see me, he would ride his bike from Glenburn to Orono everyday, rain or shine. He was a nice guy so finally I agreed to go out with him. He was my rock. One thing in my life, there was never stability. My mom was a single parent with 3 kids. At 10 I was babysitting to pay for my school clothes, 15 I was working to support my mom and 3 brothers, we were evicted from our home and was living in emergency housing in Orono. The ice storm hit and the trailer we were finally renting the roof caved in and again we were homeless. Mom and my youngest brother were staying with friends, my middle brother was staying with my uncle and I was on my own. I stayed with my Gram for the summer and then she went to Florida and I couldn't stay there so I moved in with Billy's sister, then Mom got emergency housing in Bangor, where we were always getting eviction notices. I was working to put food on the table, Billy was working and paying rent and Mom was waitressing. She sent my brothers to live with my dad and basically did whatever she wanted and saw my brothers very little. I was there for them when they needed someone. At 17, I was on my own with Billy and my middle brother had run away from home because my dad was abusive. So again Billy and I were supporting someone other than ourselves. All through this Billy was there right beside me. It was hard, but my brothers meant everything to me. My family was falling apart and my mom's family could have cared less. They didn't help. Billy's family did. I would babysit for his brother, which meant I had a place to stay during the week except for Wednesdays, they didn't need me those nights and we would find another place to stay. They never knew I didn't have a place to stay until a few years ago.
We had a hard go of it in our early years but here we are fifteen years later, married for almost 10 and we are still in love. There have been times where giving up seemed the best option at least for myself. But no matter if it's Billy or some other man, it would be the same hardships, money, chores etc... just a different person. We have been through so much together why would I want to give all that up...I wouldn't. I love him more today then I ever did. He is a great father, provider and a best friend. We fight, I don't like him sometimes but he is mine. He has my heart and soul.
So this brings us to our little family...
Nathan, he is now 6. Just finishing up kindergarten. We didn't think we could have kids. We tried for 4 years before we had Nathan. I went through IUD (intrauterine insemination) 3 times, fertility medication, 2 doctors. We saw Dr. Benoit and I had a series of test, I had surgery to determine that when my appendix had ruptured it caused a lot of scare tissue which made it impossible for me to conceive. He cleaned all that up and within 6 months and fertility medication, I was preggers. It was the easiest pregnancy ever. labor was hard and very quick, 7 am Dr. Benoit induced labor and 8:46 am (the same morning) Nathan Frederick Ryan was born. I can't describe the feeling. It was amazing, I had so much love for this little baby before he was born and now I was holding him. I didn't think I could love anyone anymore. He was perfect.
One month shy of 4 years later...Ethan was born. Again it was not easy to get pregnant with him. I had 1 confirmed miscarriage and 1 possible miscarriage (test was positive and I was spotting so I went for test and my levels were slightly elevated but not where they should have been, very low which indicated I could have been pregnant) FINALLY, a confirmed pregnancy test but Ethan's pregnancy was scary, I was always spotting or bleeding and scared to death that something was wrong or was going to happen to my baby. He is a strong little bugger. I had a C-section with him it was the best thing ever. I recovered from the c-section faster than I did with my natural birth with Nathan.
I would never trade my children for anything. Both my boys were snugglers until about nine months, that is when they started walking and then it was on. They were into everything and so cute. Ethan is more of a handful and Nathan is more reserved and likes his space. Ethan loves to be in the thick of things. He is a people person like I am. Nathan is happy to be at home doing his own thing like dad. It's funny I can see each of us in each of our children. Some good and some bad.
Ethan is now 2 and a half and Nathan is 6 and a half. They used to play so well together but now all they do is fight, it's like UFC at home. Ethan wants to do everything that Pakey does (Ethan calls Nathan Pakey, and we're not sure why but it stuck). Ethan wants to play in Nathan's room or sleep in his bed. He loves his brother but Nathan doesn't always want him around. I thought I had a couple years before that happened but it's happening now. Ethan is very stubborn and relentless. He will NOT back down when he wants something, Billy is the same way. I think it's a great quality but sometimes it's very hard to deal with. Ethan and I but heads a lot right now.
Now the question, am I doing this right and I screwing up my kids. You see it all the time, people who don't have control over their kids and their running everywhere not listening. The parents either look mortified or like "oh, there just kids". Something like that happens when a full on tantrum starts we leave. I don't care if we have a cart full of food or half way through our dinner. No one wants to listen to my kids crying or screaming, hell I don't want to listen to them. It's embarrassing and every one's been there. Still when it happens it's mortifying. It's been a while since that's happened. Especially Ethan he wants to wander, I know now why people put leashes on their kids. I used to look at the parent disgusted and now I look at them with sympathy because I know what they go through. It's like a secret club we walk by and there's this look, a knowing look and a little nod.
Parenting is hard and you will never be ready until you have your own. People can tell you and you can see other people and they way the parent and say "My kids never going to do that or I'll never do that" HAHAHA, your a sucker! Because it will happen and you will do it. You will bride your kids with candy or a toy, extra TV time anything to get them to behave in front of that in-law or your boss for 20 minutes. You will want to put your child on a leash at some point and you will beg for a break because you can;t take the fighting anymore or the mouthiness. It happens but no matter what at the end of the day they are YOUR KIDS and you love them unconditionally. I love to tuck them into bed and read them books or sing them to sleep. Then when they're sleeping I go check on them and they are angels and so cute all snuggled in bed. It's the best thing I have EVER done in my life. I love being a mother.
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