I have a daycare and it's now summer vacation so that means that I have a house full of kids from 7am to 5:45pm Monday thru Friday. Plus my two boys who are at ages where they constantly fight. Ethan is 2 and is very headstrong. That's a great quality but not at 2 years old when I can't really understand what he says. Nathan is 6 and whines all the time. I don't think he can talk without whining. So once they go to bed it's like 7:30 for Nathan and Ethan is supposed to be in bed but doesn't actually fall asleep until 8:30-9 depending on if he had a nap, which sometimes is essential to my mental health. So then I get to relax which my husband is already sleeping on the couch because he is tired. He works outside the home so he gets a nice QUIET drive to and from work. He's not with the kids 24/7, I am. When my job is done for the day I still have my 2 kids to take care of and housework from having a house full of kids.
Some days it seems like I am going to go insane because I am stuck in this house with all these kids and I don't get a lot of help. Billy helps but I still feel like I am doing 85% of the work.
Fathers Day, is his day he can do anything he wants well he decided to go hiking by himself, I asked if he wanted all of us to go but he said no he wanted to do it by himself. Fine. He left the house at 3:30 AM and didn't get back to the house until 3:30PM. He then took a shower, talked with the neighbors, I went and got dinner and then we all went to get ice cream. Then he fell asleep on the couch at 7PM. I got the boys ready for bed and fought with Ethan until 9PM, which I then was able to go to bed. The boys and I visited my dad and step dad and the day before we went shopping while Billy was at work and lunch with my brother and his son. It was a long weekend and I didn't get a break at all.
I'm sorry you hear of these women who love to spend every minute of their day with their children and life is happy and everything is prefect and puppy dog tails. BULLSHIT. I call it, everyone needs a break once in a while and no one's life is perfect. I don;t care what life you have or how much money you have or don't have. There are things in our life that we might want to tweak, a morning that's awful, attitudes. I love my children unconditionally. They are my world and I would do anything for them but I need time for me. Time that when I leave and there's dishes in the sink or toys everywhere, they'll be picked up. Not more of a mess for me to clean up. People say just leave. Well if I do then nothing will get done. Dinner dishes still on the table the house even more of a mess. I;m not a housekeeper, never was. I am unorganized and cluttered but my house is not dirty or filthy. I have a lot of stuff. I know you've worked all day and would like to relax but when do I get to do that. I'll get "honey sit down I'll do it"...OK so I sit down and relax a little and he falls asleep and I end up doing it the next day. He does do the dishes the next day but only sometimes. Then he'll apologize. I mean I can do this alone and it would be easier. Because I wouldn't be expecting anyone to help me and I would only have myself to blame or be pissy at if it's not done. Plus it would be one less person to clean up after.
Tonight, he came home and it was a crazy day but he informed me that Ben was coming over. So I said I guess I'm putting the boys to bed...AGAIN. He said I can stay in here until they fall asleep. I said No don't worry about it and he said he would because Ben can work on it by himself. Where the hell his he in the garage with Ben and guess what the boys are still awake. There watching a movie getting ready for bed so I am hoping they'll be sleepy enough that there won't be any fighting. I just wish that he would see how hard I work and recognize it. I'm not saying I want him to keep the house spotless and take care of the boys as soon as he gets home but I would like him to help more. I've told him this over and over and at what point do you say 'whatever, it's easier to do it myself then fight about needing help.
If we were separated it would be hard especially the money because I can't live here without his income and the boys love their dad. He is a great dad but not the best husband. I gave him a letter in November with everything that I am writing now. He wrote back to me everything that I wanted to hear and here we are back to square one.
There's a song that I love by Halestorm, Better sorry than safe:
I can't think of one good reason
Why I'm always thinking about leavin
It's not like every things so horrible
Been together for a few years now
You know all my ins and outs
But every things way too comfortable
From the moment I wake I plan my escape
I'm not scared
Cause I know something out there's waiting for me
And I swear that I'll find it, just wait and see
I don't care that you call me crazy
I can't stay cause I need room to breath
There's nothing left to say, better sorry than safe
Sometimes I wish you cheated on me
cause leaving here would be so easy
It's time to take a chance and give you up
In the morning I'll wake and make my escape
Songs like this hit home. I love this song and it's perfect. I love Billy we have been together for 15 years and in that time we have been through A LOT!! He has been my rock every time and he still will be but the everyday shit, I feel like I'm doing myself. I make all the decisions, I just want someone else to take over. I pay the bills, decide what to make for dinner, where we're going to eat or what we're going to do. I swear he doesn't have a brain. He hates what I make for dinner or what I take out. Like tonight I wanted chicken on the grill, he made a face so I ended up having left over salad and a frozen potato thing. YUMMO...not!
I always add too much seasoning or something, so now i hate cooking. He tells everyone I can bake but not cook. I stopped asking him how dinner was because he'll say surprisingly good...THANKS ASS! I work ALL DAY and cook dinner for us, so eat the shit I give you or eat somewhere else!
He's been pissy for the past few days so that makes me pissy and I hate to see him sleep on the couch which pisses me off more. He said it's his house he'll sleep on the couch if he wants so guess what I don;t wake him up anymore. He can stay there.
I know we'll get through this but there will be a time when we don't. It's the same thing over and over, year after year. Some are good but the past few have been tough.
I love him and thinking about him with someone else makes me sick. I want him in my life but Jesus I'm a broken record. I want someone to put me first once in a while. I want him to say Honey you've worked hard all week why don't we get a babysitter and do something just the two of us. I put everyone else first all the time, I am going to burn out and I'm not sure I'll come back from it.
No comments:
Post a Comment