Parenting

I am a mother.  I dreamed as a little girl that I was going to marry my prince charming, have a beautiful house and have 2.5 kids.  I pretty much hit it on the mark.  I married my best friend and high school sweetheart, we have a beautiful home and 2 kids and a dog.  How we got here was nothing short of a miracle. 
I met Billy at Duncan Donuts in downtown Bangor, from the first moment he met me he said he loved me and he was going to marry me.  I was 14 and thought he was a freak, so naturally we became friends.  Everyone wanted us to be together "you guys are so cute, give him a chance".  Well anyone who knows me I don't like to be told what to do.  So I refused because even my mom wanted us together.  But when Billy started flirting with my friend it made me so jealous.  I mean he was always coming over to see me, he would ride his bike from Glenburn to Orono everyday, rain or shine.  He was a nice guy so finally I agreed to go out with him.  He was my rock.  One thing in my life, there was never stability.  My mom was a single parent with 3 kids.  At 10 I was babysitting to pay for my school clothes, 15 I was working to support my mom and 3 brothers, we were evicted from our home and was living in emergency housing in Orono.  The ice storm hit and the trailer we were finally renting the roof caved in and again we were homeless.  Mom and my youngest brother were staying with friends, my middle brother was staying with my uncle and I was on my own.  I stayed with my Gram for the summer and then she went to Florida and I couldn't stay there so I moved in with Billy's sister, then Mom got emergency housing in Bangor, where we were always getting eviction notices.  I was working to put food on the table, Billy was working and paying rent and Mom was waitressing.  She sent my brothers to live with my dad and basically did whatever she wanted and saw my brothers very little.  I was there for them when they needed someone.  At 17, I was on my own with Billy and my middle brother had run away from home because my dad was abusive.  So again Billy and I were supporting someone other than ourselves.  All through this Billy was there right beside me.  It was hard, but my brothers meant everything to me.  My family was falling apart and my mom's family could have cared less.  They didn't help.  Billy's family did.  I would babysit for his brother, which meant I had a place to stay during the week except for Wednesdays, they didn't need me those nights and we would find another place to stay.  They never knew I didn't have a place to stay until a few years ago. 
We had a hard go of it in our early years but here we are fifteen years later, married for almost 10 and we are still in love.  There have been times where giving up seemed the best option at least for myself.  But no matter if it's Billy or some other man, it would be the same hardships, money, chores etc... just a different person.  We have been through so much together why would I want to give all that up...I wouldn't.  I love him more today then I ever did.  He is a great father, provider and a best friend.  We fight, I don't like him sometimes but he is mine.  He has my heart and soul. 
So this brings us to our little family...
Nathan, he is now 6.  Just finishing up kindergarten.  We didn't think we could have kids.  We tried for 4 years before we had Nathan.  I went through IUD (intrauterine insemination) 3 times, fertility medication, 2 doctors.  We saw Dr. Benoit and I had a series of test, I had surgery to determine that when my appendix had ruptured it caused a lot of scare tissue which made it impossible for me to conceive.  He cleaned all that up and within 6 months and fertility medication, I was preggers.  It was the easiest pregnancy ever.  labor was hard and very quick, 7 am Dr. Benoit induced labor and 8:46 am (the same morning) Nathan Frederick Ryan was born.  I can't describe the feeling.  It was amazing, I had so much love for this little baby before he was born and now I was holding him.  I didn't think I could love anyone anymore.  He was perfect.
One month shy of 4 years later...Ethan was born.  Again it was not easy to get pregnant with him.  I had 1 confirmed miscarriage and 1 possible miscarriage (test was positive and I was spotting so I went for test and my levels were slightly elevated but not where they should have been, very low which indicated I could have been pregnant) FINALLY, a confirmed pregnancy test but Ethan's pregnancy was scary, I was always spotting or bleeding and scared to death that something was wrong or was going to happen to my baby.   He is a strong little bugger.  I had a C-section with him it was the best thing ever.  I recovered from the c-section faster than I did with my natural birth with Nathan. 
I would never trade my children for anything.  Both my boys were snugglers until about nine months, that is when they started walking and then it was on.  They were into everything and so cute.  Ethan is more of a handful and Nathan is more reserved and likes his space.  Ethan loves to be in the thick of things.  He is a people person like I am.  Nathan is happy to be at home doing his own thing like dad.  It's funny I can see each of us in each of our children.  Some good and some bad. 
Ethan is now 2 and a half and Nathan is 6 and a half.  They used to play so well together but now all they do is fight, it's like UFC at home.  Ethan wants to do everything that Pakey does (Ethan calls Nathan Pakey, and we're not sure why but it stuck).  Ethan wants to play in Nathan's room or sleep in his bed.  He loves his brother but Nathan doesn't always want him around.  I thought I had a couple years before that happened but it's happening now.  Ethan is very stubborn and relentless.  He will NOT back down when he wants something, Billy is the same way.  I think it's a great quality but sometimes it's very hard to deal with.  Ethan and I but heads a lot right now. 
Now the question, am I doing this right and I screwing up my kids.  You see it all the time, people who don't have control over their kids and their running everywhere not listening.  The parents either look mortified or like "oh, there just kids".  Something like that happens when a full on tantrum starts we leave.  I don't care if we have a cart full of food or half way through our dinner.  No one wants to listen to my kids crying or screaming, hell I don't want to listen to them.  It's embarrassing and every one's been there.  Still when it happens it's mortifying.  It's been a while since that's happened.  Especially Ethan he wants to wander, I know now why people put leashes on their kids.  I used to look at the parent disgusted and now I look at them with sympathy because I know what they go through.  It's like a secret club we walk by and there's this look, a knowing look and a little nod.

Parenting is hard and you will never be ready until you have your own.  People can tell you and you can see other people and they way the parent and say "My kids never going to do that or I'll never do that" HAHAHA, your a sucker!  Because it will happen and you will do it.  You will bride your kids with candy or a toy, extra TV time anything to get them to behave in front of that in-law or your boss for 20 minutes.  You will want to put your child on a leash at some point and you will beg for a break because you can;t take the fighting anymore or the mouthiness.  It happens but no matter what at the end of the day they are YOUR KIDS and you love them unconditionally.  I love to tuck them into bed and read them books or sing them to sleep.  Then when they're sleeping I go check on them and they are angels and so cute all snuggled in bed.  It's the best thing I have EVER done in my life.  I love being a mother.